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During a recent telephone conversation with an 80-plus-year-old friend from out of town, he told me he had to leave soon for Rotary, where the program is on how to administer Narcan, the opioid-overdose reversal spray.
We both sadly sighed and agreed things have radically changed since the days when Rotary programs were concerned with more mundane topics, such as planning for a worry-free retirement.
Given our current turmoil and growing evidence of the world’s downward spiral, I proactively lined up the following suggested future programs for his Rotary group:
— April 7, “HOW TO AVOID BEING ACCIDENTALLY DEPORTED TO AN EL SALVADORAN PRISON." Border czar Tom Homan will appear and amplify his earlier recommendations to remove all old tattoos, especially you Navy guys and your traditional Navy-anchor-with-rope tattoo. It looks just like a Tren de Araqua gang symbol.
Also, carry on your person, at all times, notarized documents proving your citizenship. NOTE: Your 30-year perfect-attendance Rotary pin will not suffice.
— April 14‚ “LEARNING TO LOVE PUTIN." I know that almost every one of you has been taught throughout your long life, and still deeply believe, that Russia, President Vladimir Putin and communism are spawns of Satan.
However, the U.S. is rapidly approaching a rapprochement with Russia, possibly leading to them being our only friend and ally in the world, especially now that Canada has cut off all communication and trade with us, forming a new free-trade agreement with the remaining rest of the entire world.
Trucker Carl and Son will appear via podcast to highlight the positive, but largely hidden, virtues of Russia and Putin. We need to get mentally ahead of the curve on this radical change. Attendance is mandatory.
— April 21, “LEARNING TO SPEAK MANDARIN CHINESE IN TWO HOURS.” Just in case ...
— April 28, “HOW TO SAFELY STORM THE SOCIAL SECURITY HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.” Given that Social Security has been called a “Ponzi scheme” — with allegations that millions of dead old codgers are still getting big checks and deficit hawks circling with a hungry eye, not to mention the staff cuts and current turmoil — we retired Rotarians must mobilize and act, lest our benefits be reduced or eliminated.
You may soon be called upon to storm the Social Security headquarters in Washington, D.C. We’ve lined up an expert storming adviser, Mr. Rollin’ Thunda, who will describe the various storming techniques he used at the Capitol in January 2021 to evade capture and prosecution. Attendance is strongly encouraged.
— May 5 and 12, “HOW TO SECURE A PARDON IF YOU ARE CAUGHT STORMING THE SOCIAL SECURITY HEADQUARTERS.” Some of you don’t move as quickly as you used to and are at an increased risk of being caught and convicted. Your only hope will be a pardon, which we need to proactively plan for.
Our May 5 speaker will be University of Illinois political scientist I.B. Geenious. He will provide advice on how to garner presidential-pardon sympathy. Early reveal: On the phone, he said one trick is to start framing our future actions as more of a Woodstock love festival celebrating the current administration rather than the coup d’etat it’s sure going to look like to most people.
Our May 12 speaker will be Biggie “Hedge Fund” Greenbacks, who will advise us on how much money it will take to both defend members at trial and maximize pardon-possibility for the convicted. In preparation for the same, Greenbacks will help us establish a sinking fund to defray legal and pardon expenses for those arrestees who obviously didn’t bother to attend Rollin’ Thunda’s talk.
— May 19 and 26, “IDENTIFYING AND DESTROYING ENEMY DRONES.” On May 19, a Mr. Lamont “Loose” Luggnutt, from Passaic, N.J. — who, by the way, claims to have been abducted by an alien spacecraft and flown to the planet Zith, where he endured various medical tests — will be here in person.
Luggnutt’s talk and personal experiences will help us identify what’s up in the night sky: a friendly drone, an enemy drone, an ordinary airplane or that spacecraft form Zith? (He stressed to me that we shouldn’t worry about alien spacecraft, as the Zithinians treated him respectfully, the medical tests were free and they cured his gout.)
On May 26, we’ll hear from a clandestine fugitive from Interpol teaching us how to “surf the dark web and deploy deep-state denizens to dive downward into deranged delirium.”
Specifically, he’ll teach us how to acquire parts from cardboard scrap and old Campbell soup cans to assemble a high-tech ghost gun — an Optics Smash 2000L portable arms weapon used to shoot down drones.
He will not appear personally, but through a dark-web, paranoid-filled, paramilitary podcast. His face will be blacked out and his voice scrambled for security reasons.
— June 2, “HOW TO HAVE YOUR FACE BLACKED OUT AND VOICE SCRAMBLED WHEN APPEARING ON THE DARK WEB." Just in case ...
